|   FINES ARE FOR SUCKERS
I went through the M50 toll bridge and forgot (could not have been arsed) to pay. Not a big deal really. But then 'Eflow' AKA 'SANEF' (a French company) sent me a fine for not paying the toll fee on time. I had never really questioned this system before and I had nearly always paid, except once when I was in college and ended up getting billed a huge fine. I didn't have the money so I wrote them a long hand written letter explaining why I wouldn't pay. My letter had no legal value to my knowledge. Rather than trying to beat them with skill I was trying to waste their time until they submitted, a bit like the way companies do to people with their annoying answering machines. I have a theory that big companies use tactics such as those machines, and the way they use staff with barely any English in an office far, far, away in a different country to break down people's will to live until eventually they can't take it anymore and give in, give up and break down crying in a pool of apathetic self-pity. I know I have done this on many occasions and ended up paying out money not because the company was entitled to it but because I couldn't take the mental anguish anymore. It's unlikely that I can beat them in their world but I can drag them into my world and do the same back to them. This is the essence of a major secret to holding your own in any exchange with others; again, refuse to allow them to dictate the terms of engagement. Create your own terms and make them meet you there. Fight where you choose to, or at least negotiate how you choose to. As Sun Tzu said in the Art of War "Next is the terrain. It can be distant or near. It can be difficult or easy. It can be open or narrow. It also determines your life or death." And so, like the warrior of love that I was born to be, I stood with my spear and shield and a camouflage thong in the middle of the M50. Feel free to take a moment to enjoy that image. Imagine a slight sexy smirk, and a fire of righteousness in my eyes. My legs are hairy, but not too hairy. Ok your moment is up. Now, instead of asking my mum to knit me a camouflage thong, I found out the CEO's name and wrote him a long boring, meaningless hand-written letter and insisted that I would only accept hand written letters as a response from him personally. I think I wrote the letter about a balloon and eventually they just agreed and let the "fee" slide. I suppose while they are extracting millions from people all over the country they decided the hassle of dealing with me was not economically worthwhile. For me as a student saving that €40 meant another weekend of drunken Dutch Gold debauchery. Not only did they facilitate the cheap flowing beer, they also gave me a taste of victory, which tastes way better than Dutch Gold. Now I knew exactly how Napoleon felt, except I'm not a midget. Then again neither was he, because I read that he was actually 5ft 7 inches, which was 2 inches taller than the average adult male at the time. Whoever wrote history led us to believe that he was a small man. The media misleading us, well I never! His size still seems to get reported and online you can find an article or two about him having a small penis. I bet they would not have dared report about his peepee two hundred years ago. I'm not sure how long Meter, AIB and Eflow will wait before they start slandering my manhood, because companies often outlive humans, but I want you to assure me now you will never buy into their lies. Please send me a commitment in writing. On a related note, isn't it interesting that companies outlive humans? A corporation is a legal living entity- incorporated means made into a body basically- yet they have resources a human could never have, can outlive us by centuries sometimes, and also are totally unaccountable to their actions. You cannot put a corporation in jail, or execute them, for example. Russell Brand picks up on this idea, which has been around a long time, in his book Revolution. We should be able to totally hold corporations accountable to their actions, and kill them if necessary. Many of them are responsible for crimes against humanity. Corporations originally existed only to fulfil a specific task, such as build a road. Then they dissolved. Now their stated aim is to exist forever, make as much money as possible, and nothing else matters. Should we allow them to exist in this way? Why? Do they serve life? Worth thinking about, especially if they tell lies about my penis, and believing this might deprive you of the most beautiful night of your life. Either that, or because they are inflicting massive damage on both humanity and the natural world … Stay Tuned for the BOOK LAUNCH |
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